I went home to NH for the weekend and it couldn’t have been more cathartic. This semester so far with all its stress seems to have found its way in trying to pull from me all the gunk that I’ve tried to bury. When you build up a wall to hide those things that have hurt to you most, things can come flooding out when life’s burdens chip away at it. I inadvertently saw Toshi’s picture this weekend and I found I wasn’t upset. While driving home to NH I finally ended up telling my mom about the guilt I felt over not having been a better cousin to him and she pointed out that it wasn’t my fault (like others have in the past) and reminded me of the reasons why I hadn’t been very close with him. Besides the fact that he lived half a world away (literally), there were just personality traits that completely clashed with mine. I don’t like speaking ill of the dead so I won’t, but it was cathartic to know that my mom, who knew my cousin, didn’t think that I could have done anything to stop him from what he did. Last time we hung out was in 2007 and we stayed up late playing cards- he, his little brother, and I. I remember the three of us laughing at each other’s antics as our parents caught up and I think I’m going to make myself learn to think of the good times should I look to grieve over him again.
Now is for the living.
Toshi, I wish you could have learned to embrace life, but I know now that there was nothing I could have done to stop you. I can, however, look to always encourage my friends and be there for anyone I meet- even if they are a stranger. There are no take backs with death and I’m starting to see now that this crazy past spring in which 5 people within 2 connections of me all died in 6 weeks. Those weeks were a rollercoaster- between attending 2 funerals, not knowing fully how to grieve over my cousin’s suicide, and feeling inadequate at supporting my friends, I also learned that I made it into medical school. But, half a year later, I think I’m finally starting to learn how to sift through all those raw emotions of the time that I just shoved behind a wall and only looked at when I was close to breaking. I really did need this weekend. To be a good physician, I will need to learn how to help my patients’ families cope should they die because we cannot always cheat death.
A good doctor isn’t one who keeps every patient alive; a good doctor is one who can skillfully help many of his or her patients live longer on this earth while also skillfully consoling the family and friends of who have died. Meaning that your care and concern for the patient is conveyed. Meaning that your patient’s spouse, children, or any other friends and family know that you cared and you tried as if they were your own. It is my belief that a good doctor knows how to embrace death- not in a “I want to kill myself” way, but in a “death is inevitable and sometimes, the ultimate healing- no more sorrow, no more pain…”
Toshi- I want to believe you are in heaven, but I just don’t know… all I do know is that since you decided to leave we have been grieving and your little brother is hurting, and your american cousin was hurting, and your parents feel your loss every day- but it’s time for those who are left to pick up the pieces and move forward. It’s time to feel that sun on our faces again, it’s time to wiggle our toes on a freshly cut lawn and chase rainbows. May you rest in peace my little cousin.
