Sunrise by Brandon Heath

You wanna sound off but you can’t find the words to
Nothin’ makes sense in the way that it used to
Can’t find the plus in the positive thinking
The well’s run dry and you’re not done drinking

~

I find myself about 4hrs away from the start of class again, unable to sleep. The day had slipped away from me and one that I had planned to use for cleaning around the house turned into one of sleeping most of the afternoon away and studying/chatting through the night- a more attractive task than the dishes.  Sometimes I wonder if maybe I’m actually depressed and just don’t realize it.  Will there ever be anything else that can reach far down inside a bring me true happiness again?  What happened to the little girl who lived and breathed Jesus? Happy was she, confident in the love of the Savior for her.

~

Clouds start comin’ and the sky will fall
Clock stares back from the bedroom wall
Now you’re breathin’ just to make it through the night

~

03:47- the time laughs at me, letting me know I will regret this when I have to interact with my classmates to work on the new case we’re starting in the morning… and the fact that sending in my question didn’t hit me until 1AM today… meaning I’ll need to print out copies to make sure they’ll have it regardless of my mess up… oiy

~

All you need is a sunrise
Just a moment of dawn
If you’re lost in the twilight
Close your eyes and move on
When you’re tired in the waiting
Even though it’s gonna take you
A little more time
Just a little more time the sun’s gonna find you

~

I want to believe that the sunrise will bring happiness again, like last time, but I’m just not sure… any happiness has felt temporary lately and even the trip home, although nice, didn’t seem to fully reach to the darkness within.  I so long to be who I once was again. I so long to be that girl who lived, breathed, ate, slept Jesus. But I can’t find her… she seems to have died with all the problems of the past.  I want to believe so badly that the pastor out here and his wife won’t be like[them] but I am petrified they will.

~

Holding your days like a stack of paper
Then you’re chasing the wind as the pages scatter
You can save a few but you can’t get ‘em all back
So get out fast with your heart in tact

~

I need to redeem the day, I need to redeem the time… I try to drown out the noise in my head with laughter and good conversations and just all it does is fragment me more… Why weren’t You there when I needed You most?!?! Why did You let them be that way and do those things?  Why didn’t You stop them from cutting me so deep I’m not sure how it’ll ever heal… if I’ll ever truly find my way back… I am constantly afraid that these new people will suddenly turn on me as well. They seem so genuine but so had the others for so long until my eyes were opened.

~

Find yourself on the very edge
Lying awake in an empty bed
Now you’re breathin’ just to make it thru the night

~

My friend in Korea talked to me and I had thought I had told her about everything but I guess not. I hate people thinking there could ever be anything wrong and I try to keep up the pretenses but in writing I let this side of me that aches so badly show, it’s like an ugly, hidden ulcer. I want to believe I can trust Him, but then why had all that happened? Will I ever fully recover from this past Spring and all the aches it brought me? I really do think I’ve finally learned to deal with Toshi committing suicide… finally… but now this other ache that I’ve hidden away as well for so long is begging for attention and I’m just not sure I have it in me to pass my classes and finally stitch this up.

To be abandoned by certain people; to have them in essence say you were less than nothing because instead of asking to do something reasonable (visiting people to say goodbye since you were moving away) you sent an email saying you’d be doing that and thus were found rebellious… I want to believe I am worth the cost of His life, I want to believe that He cares, but when those who should have stood in my life as such found I wasn’t even worthy of the time to tell me I’m worthless but sent their minions to do such… it would be so easy to walk away, to give up.

I had a conversation with a friend about beliefs and dating etc. and he’s right in a way, it’s my choice to be limiting myself to just guys who align with my rather strict beliefs, that I’m in essence making my already rather small pool smaller. Probably to just me. Alone. By myself.

But then when I think of how sweet it could be to have a man that I could pray with in the mornings, have daily Bible readings, and would push me to pray more, fast more, seek Him more and that unadulterated adoration for the One who made me… **sigh** I need to find my way back into the sun; to the brightness… but here at 04:11 the sunrise seems too far away and even when I eventually sleep and awaken, I have a sinking feeling that I still won’t be leaving the darkness behind…

learning to chase rainbows again…

I went home to NH for the weekend and it couldn’t have been more cathartic.  This semester so far with all its stress seems to have found its way in trying to pull from me all the gunk that I’ve tried to bury.  When you build up a wall to hide those things that have hurt to you most, things can come flooding out when life’s burdens chip away at it.  I inadvertently saw Toshi’s picture this weekend and I found I wasn’t upset.  While driving home to NH I finally ended up telling my mom about the guilt I felt over not having been a better cousin to him and she pointed out that it wasn’t my fault (like others have in the past) and reminded me of the reasons why I hadn’t been very close with him.  Besides the fact that he lived half a world away (literally), there were just personality traits that completely clashed with mine.  I don’t like speaking ill of the dead so I won’t, but it was cathartic to know that my mom, who knew my cousin, didn’t think that I could have done anything to stop him from what he did.  Last time we hung out was in 2007 and we stayed up late playing cards- he, his little brother, and I.  I remember the three of us laughing at each other’s antics as our parents caught up and I think I’m going to make myself learn to think of the good times should I look to grieve over him again.

Now is for the living.

Toshi, I wish you could have learned to embrace life, but I know now that there was nothing I could have done to stop you.  I can, however, look to always encourage my friends and be there for anyone I meet- even if they are a stranger.  There are no take backs with death and I’m starting to see now that this crazy past spring in which 5 people within 2 connections of me all died in 6 weeks.  Those weeks were a rollercoaster- between attending 2 funerals, not knowing fully how to grieve over my cousin’s suicide, and feeling inadequate at supporting my friends, I also learned that I made it into medical school.  But, half a year later, I think I’m finally starting to learn how to sift through all those raw emotions of the time that I just shoved behind a wall and only looked at when I was close to breaking.  I really did need this weekend.  To be a good physician, I will need to learn how to help my patients’ families cope should they die because we cannot always cheat death.

A good doctor isn’t one who keeps every patient alive; a good doctor is one who can skillfully help many of his or her patients live longer on this earth while also skillfully consoling the family and friends of who have died. Meaning that your care and concern for the patient is conveyed.  Meaning that your patient’s spouse, children, or any other friends and family know that you cared and you tried as if they were your own.  It is my belief that a good doctor knows how to embrace death- not in a “I want to kill myself” way, but in a “death is inevitable and sometimes, the ultimate healing- no more sorrow, no more pain…”

Toshi- I want to believe you are in heaven, but I just don’t know… all I do know is that since you decided to leave we have been grieving and your little brother is hurting, and your american cousin was hurting, and your parents feel your loss every day- but it’s time for those who are left to pick up the pieces and move forward.  It’s time to feel that sun on our faces again, it’s time to wiggle our toes on a freshly cut lawn and chase rainbows.  May you rest in peace my little cousin.