…weeping may endure the night but joy cometh in the morning.
I can’t sleep. I’ve taken to having hulu.com running some sort of show or whatever in the background to lull me to sleep and as I was about to drift off it came to the end of the season premiere of House in which the roommate goes to the doctor and asks for his medication saying he wants to get better. For whatever reason it made me break down. I have been locking away so much and I let it out some times but then clamp it all right back up and as it builds it destroys me more. I long so badly to be home just so that I can get a hug. I miss my family so badly and everything that happened this past spring still eats away at me. I want to be better.
Curled up in fetal position on my bed sobbing, I begged God to help me. No other words could escape my lips. After all this time just thinking of all those who decided to abandon my family and I haunt me. Friendships going back to when I was in middle school severed because one couple decided that my family was evil. How can they do that? How could they spread those lies and work so hard to cut us down?
Maybe it’s all this pressure I’m under. I want to do well in medical school but I feel like the odds are stacked against me. What hospital wants to take me with my scores? Yes, I’m passing but not with flying colors. Perhaps, however, it was mentioning in passing on Monday to my friends about the last time I had Brie. It was with one of my best friends after I had been told by a group that instead of using me to help them out, they preferred no one. No one. I was worse than nothing to them. And why? Because I had wanted to say goodbye to people before I left the New England area for medical school. After all I had done and sacrificed, because they felt I was rebellious (and I wasn’t even doing what they found so horrid underhandedly, I told them openly) they decided that I was worth less than nothing. It still rips at me.
Pain washes through me and then another, older pain, hits me again like a brick wall: Toshi committing suicide. Why? WHY little cousin? Just thinking of him makes me feel neglectful. I should have been a better friend to him, I should have made him feel more loved in this world. Yes, I know that Japan is pretty far away from NH but I just can’t help but think if I tried harder, maybe he wouldn’t have done what he did. But he was so stubborn and proud! It sincerely irked me that he refused to acknowledge his Chinese heritage, instead stating that he was through and through Japanese. How can you deny who you are? He had asked me to make him a CD of music and did I? No, I too am stubborn and a bit proud and I hate that. I hate that I never made him that one CD. Such a small request.
As med school rolls on and I feel myself buckling under the pressure of it all I desperately try to hold on with all I have but the pain and memories of the past cut at me, they will not let me go. Why would someone cut contact with me because of what others had said without even speaking to me? Without ever trying to find out if it was true? You were a mentor and a friend, and yet you turned your back on me. You who were supposed to show me the way, instead you berated me behind my back, spreading lies and rumors while telling me you loved me and hoped and prayed for me. You who I had recommended and encouraged, how could you betray me as you did?
I feel so worthless and the darkness prevents me from trying to jog this all out. I desperately need an outlet and this is all I have. I doubt anyone will hear me though, I doubt anyone cares… will there be joy in the morning? all I know for sure is that in less than 5 hours there will be a quiz and I need the Comforter to find me, even though I make it hard at times for Him to do so, I need Him to just wrap me up in His arms of comfort for I don’t know how to reach out to anyone else for that besides tried and true friends who are all over 500 miles away.
