Let it out, can You hear me?
Can You hear me cry?
Let it out, don’t hold back, all this I got inside
Let it out, can You hear me?
Can You hear me cry?
Let it out, don’t hold back now
We’ve got to let it out
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I’ve certainly missed blogging and having an outlet for my feelings besides jogging and cooking lately. Although my old posts had been about commuting via the MBTA from NH into Boston, I’ve since started medical school in western PA and am now redirecting where I’m taking this blog.
I find myself constantly being stopped by fear and trepidation about the future. To fail out of medical school would not only be humiliating, but the crushing of my dreams; yet I feel soooooo lost in this sea of information. Where to start the digestion of it all and how to finally learn to incorporate it clearly? I’m not sure how I’m going to survive… it is by the grace of God alone that I’m so far still within the range of passing but I wish I could finally learn to push past this barrier and kick it up that extra notch that I know I need to do…
All my life I’ve dreamed of helping others through learning why things go wrong in the body and if there is anything to do about it but death is such a nasty foe. One cannot win in the long run and so we as physicians must learn to embrace death. I, however, am not ready to hug it to me and let it do as it will…
…Toshi still tears at me from time to time. Little cousin, why did you take your own life? What posessed you to give up on this world of wonder? There are SO many things wrong with this world, I understand, but yet so much beauty. Sounds a bit cliche but it’s true. I so enjoy the little things: a jog along an urban road, the pavement coming to meet me, the sun on my back, the wind giving me a bit of relief; childrens’ smiles; squirrels foraging for the winter; geese with their baby chicks in the spring time. In the country of jade rivers, how could he have decided to take his life? Toshi… all these months later I hope you know that you are still not forgotten. You are still missed. Little cousin, I wish you had reached out to someone.
To those of you who may feel that life is no longer worth living I say this to you now: there is a God that loves you. There is a God that died for you. He created you in all your beauty (whether you see it or not) and He handcrafted you. You are unique and one of a kind. Also know that although you may not realize it, you may be loved more than you know, but sometimes we think “oh when I have more time, when I have more money, I can make that trip to Japan to see my extended family”… when you feel unloved know that not only do you most likely have someone that loves you out there in this world, you have a God that loves you beyond words, beyond all comprehension.
