We all long for glamour ~ Linda Lee
Due to some life changes, I am currently no longer taking the subway but I can’t help but always think of blogging (which, clearly I never get to). Life has a way of dipping and curving in ways we never expect. I feel trapped sometimes by my lack of ability to do such simple tasks as parallel parking. Coming from a town in which there were no parallel parking spaces and thus was never tested for it, it’s actually REALLY annoying to have people look down on you because you can’t parallel park. I’d much rather they say “that’s too bad, why don’t you let me teach you some time?” versus mocking me or making me feel inadaquit. I digress. One of my friends recently found her current beau while riding on the subway and I can’t help but want to write along those lines.
We all long for something more. It’s the core of our exsistence. Why are we here? Do we have a purpose? It’s the thing that drives us to do more, reach farther, and become a better person. It seems though, that every person views it a different way (as per par for we humans). Those such as Ms. Lee long to be seen by many. I myself sometimes long to be seen by just one.
At this point in my life I’m not even sure who that is; I just know whomever it is that God wants me to end up with, I wish He’d reveal him NOW. Recently, I have been telling people that all I want is some guy to cook with and chat about whatever with over dunkin donuts/starbucks. I personally (occassionnally when the mood strikes me) long for that crazy connection you can get with another human being in which you feel “you get me and I feel like I could get used to learning all the interesting and different bits of you that there is.”
“Human speech is like a cracked kettle on which we tap crude rhythms for bears to dance to, while we long to make music that will melt the stars.”
— Gustave Flaubert
I once wrote for one of the drafts of my Sr. Thesis Project that I am the sum of many bits of me. There’s the church side, the work side, the school side, and then there are the parts that people have never seen: parts of childhood scars, my personal demons, the part that loves to play piano by myself late at night in the quiet of the evening, and more. I remember I had once, almost, been willing to start that process with someone. The pain when it all fell through stayed with me for years. It wasn’t so much the loss of him, it was the loss of the possibility. He was this VERY hansome, kind, Godly, talented guy and I was just a young high school sr. trying to find her way in the world. In the end I found out that even without ever going on a date or even meeting up face-to-face (due to living 3 hrs away we never met up while we were “talking”— this was NOT an online connection), one could put your heart on the line more than you thought you would.
And so it makes me wonder… how does one know who’s the right one? Can we truly just look to “make eyes” at the cutie to the right of us on the subway and eventually hope to find love? My friend had been eyeing her current man for a week or two prior to actually speaking to him and I just couldn’t see myself EVER doing something like that. It seems that I’m only best at connecting with males once I know that they and I could never, ever be. That way I feel safe. Such a paradox (!!), but I think it’s because if we could never be then there’s no danger of rejection. Friendship rejections I can take but romantic rejections cut deep and I’ve never really let anyone have that ability to hurt me- just a handful and all but one never knew they had that power… and apparenlty even he didn’t realize it at the time (this I know because we reconnected on Valentines Day last year— yes, very strange timing— and it also still fell through, sometimes if you’re just not right for each other, you’re just not right for each other).
What is the gospel according to Jesus? Simply this: that the love we all long for in our innermost heart is already present, beyond longing. ~Stephen Mitchell
In the end it boils to this: Jesus is all I need. It’s hard to remember at times and when I hear of friends randomly finding a man they’re willing to share themselves with by just riding on the T, I can’t help but wish I could make a connection too. My heart wishes that someone would see that treasure in me, see the mire of dirt and ugliness that is me, and yet still love me. And then I remember: He already does. Jesus died for me and loves me and found me worth the price of His life- regardless of my faults. I am willing to have that connection with someone one day, but until God gives the greenlight, I am learning to be content waiting.
