All the Single Ladies (for Jesus)… Put your hands up! ;)

Disclaimer: For those of you who don’t know Him or believe in Him- please don’t take offense in what I’m writing. I’m just looking to see if anyone else understands how I feel…  It’s also pretty lengthy…

Long before this upcoming “holiday” was approaching, I began to feel more than ever that I wanted to share my life with a guy.  For so long I’ve been happily skipping along in life, content to be ball-and-chain free.  Yes, for anyone who knows me, I appreciate single males- a LOT. Haa haa But for those of you who know me best, you also know that I’ve also been content being single. Don’t get me wrong- I am still more happy being single than to settle for dating someone who doesn’t fit what I’m looking for, but I have never in my life so longed to just finally share HIM with a MAN.

All my life, I’ve tried to seek Jesus with all my heart, mind and soul just like the Bible says to do.  There are times where EVERY fiber of my being reaches out to Him, beckoning Him to stay in my heart, whisper to me how I should act and live to please Him.  Lately, however, there’s also been a whisper of a wish in my heart to finally have a man in my life who also lives and breathes Jesus.

I am so sick of being the only one around my age going to midweek prayer (although a few joined last week- yay!).

I am sick of driving home from church and having so much in my heart that I want to spill out about the preaching and how amazing service was and how God moved in me during it- finding myself alone.

My heart longs to finally have a man who shares that deep ache I feel when I see the children at church sitting in the pews looking on apathetically as God is moving SO STRONGLY; His presence so thick a miracle is a breath away.

When I go to pray for someone at the alter- I want a man that with one look, one nod, he’d join us

It would give me such joy to find a man who has the same deep belief that Bible Quizzing is one of the best ministries a church can offer

Something I said to one of the girls from my church really resonated in me after I stated it. We were talking about guys and what we look for and I said to her: You know in a race when the two people are perfectly matched and they are racing with all their might, sprinting towards the finish line neck and neck? If one starts to pull ahead it motivates the other to push to go faster as well?  That’s what I’m looking for in a guy. That is what I want.  I want a man who if he starts pulling ahead of me it motivates me to push forward in God, but I’m not left behind. Maybe there will be times where I start pulling ahead and he is then motivated to push forward more, but we’d be equally matched in our pursuit of God. That is what I long for.  I don’t want to settle for guys who don’t go to midweek prayer when I’m in MEDICAL SCHOOL and I still go! I won’t settle for a man who doesn’t push me to want to pray more, fast more, seek Him more.

And so, I continue on, waiting to finally see that guy, waiting to finally meet that guy; one whose pace is perfectly matched with mine.  It is SO frustrating at times though when I know I’ve pushed guys away who were clearly interested in me b/c I knew that I longed for God more, but I just can’t settle…

Jump

Jump

Why?

The question reverberates in my heart.

Why?

It will not let me go.

Why?

What was it that pushed you to the limit? What was it that made you jump?

Why?

So many things remind me of you but I had thought that the crying was over, that the deep intense grief was over.

We sit together in class, eager and ready to find out what the new case will be- the last before our next exam.  As the first sheet is handed out, we quickly throw up potential diagnoses, not even realizing that we are about to embark on a disastrous journey.  The case is about a woman who may have potentially taken a whole bottle of Tylenol in an effort to kill herself.  After two hours of muddling our way through the information, we leave to read up on what we can; knowing that something is wrong and hoping that our worst fear is not confirmed.

Why did she do it?

I go home and I keep telling myself “she’s not real, it’s only on paper.” The mantra works as well as putting a band aid on a six inch gash to the knee that had only partially healed and was then reopened.

Toshi

Oh little cousin, why did you lose faith in life?  We learn that this woman, this woman who is only real on paper, decided to give up because her mother died of cancer and her husband died in a car accident a week later.  You, Toshi… what was your excuse?

You always wanted to be something you weren’t.

Why couldn’t you be satisfied with you?  Why couldn’t you see that being Chinese wasn’t horrible?  That in denying who you were and insisting you were Japanese you only made things worse.  Oh little Toshi, how I wish I could have been a more supportive cousin to you.

A bottle of pills, a jump off a roof- they both accomplish the same fate.

I found myself sobbing almost uncontrollably.  I couldn’t snap out of it- the thought that she had three young kids, even if she wasn’t real, that she was willing to leave them because she had lost others- it broke me.  Like Toshi leaving his brother and family behind, it ripped at my heart to think that someone could lose sight that there were people in this world who loved them.  In the end, when she was declared brain dead due to brain herniation I was upset, I almost callously said to just tell her brother she was dead and the plug needed to be pulled.  Dear suicidal woman’s brother: just take her three young, orphaned kids and go.

Nobu…

Toshi’s younger brother, Nobu, never likes staying home anymore.  His father complains that he’s always at school playing basketball but don’t you see uncle? Can’t you realize that it is at the house that Toshi and Nobu spent SO MANY afternoons together, year after year, partners in crime? I wonder how little Nobu must take it at times.  His constant play companion killed himself, his older brother, the “more responsible one.” What weight must be on your shoulders now, little cousin.  What weight.

Why?

And so I find myself coming full circle, unable to answer it still; unable to see the extent of the darkness that must be in one’s heart to go to such lengths.  He is the Light.  He is what brings joy and peace to my soul.  How can anyone kill themselves when Jesus Himself came to this earth to die for our sins?  To give himself over to such horrible sufferings so that we might be reconciled to Himself… and yet there are those who never see it.  There are those who never realize just how much they are loved and so they give in to that darkness and some may take a gun, others some pills, still others… jump.

Quote of the Day: 3/28/10

“The net result of all these effects is severe, prolonged, devastating air hunger that can last for years until the hypoxia and hypercapnia cause death- a high penalty to pay for smoking” Medical Physiology11th Ed., Guyton and Hall, pg 527

Good thing I have never tried smoking and never will!

Fact of the Day: 3/19/10

Mitral valve disease (stenosis or regurgitation) can cause hypertrophy of the right side of the heart since it causes systolic pulmonary arterial pressure to sometimes more than double!

6:20PM It’s been hard concentrating on studying and I think I’m going to start using this as a way to track my study habits and hold myself accountable for my actions. We’ll see… all I know is that while I struggle to keep on the right side of 70 = DO for PBL, I aced (98%)the Health Care Management final with about a day of studying.

So far today I’ve only gotten in about 2 hours of actual studying… what’s wrong with me? Why do I allow myself to continually be distracted by just about ANYTHING and everything?

9:18PM well in the last 3 hours I have gotten in about another 2 good hours so I’m feeling a bit better about myself  Maybe this does work…  if I can just finish this next chapter I’ll be more than halfway done and I’ve got about a week to do the other half… so we’ll see… tomorrow’s goal is get in a good solid 10 hrs with 2 hrs of them devoted to review…

Ponderings from my reading: so if septic shock can be caused by infection spreading into the blood from the kidney or urinary tract, often by colon bacilli… that means UTI from fecal matter hitting the UT that ends up spreading… right? that’s disgusting!

Sunrise by Brandon Heath

You wanna sound off but you can’t find the words to
Nothin’ makes sense in the way that it used to
Can’t find the plus in the positive thinking
The well’s run dry and you’re not done drinking

~

I find myself about 4hrs away from the start of class again, unable to sleep. The day had slipped away from me and one that I had planned to use for cleaning around the house turned into one of sleeping most of the afternoon away and studying/chatting through the night- a more attractive task than the dishes.  Sometimes I wonder if maybe I’m actually depressed and just don’t realize it.  Will there ever be anything else that can reach far down inside a bring me true happiness again?  What happened to the little girl who lived and breathed Jesus? Happy was she, confident in the love of the Savior for her.

~

Clouds start comin’ and the sky will fall
Clock stares back from the bedroom wall
Now you’re breathin’ just to make it through the night

~

03:47- the time laughs at me, letting me know I will regret this when I have to interact with my classmates to work on the new case we’re starting in the morning… and the fact that sending in my question didn’t hit me until 1AM today… meaning I’ll need to print out copies to make sure they’ll have it regardless of my mess up… oiy

~

All you need is a sunrise
Just a moment of dawn
If you’re lost in the twilight
Close your eyes and move on
When you’re tired in the waiting
Even though it’s gonna take you
A little more time
Just a little more time the sun’s gonna find you

~

I want to believe that the sunrise will bring happiness again, like last time, but I’m just not sure… any happiness has felt temporary lately and even the trip home, although nice, didn’t seem to fully reach to the darkness within.  I so long to be who I once was again. I so long to be that girl who lived, breathed, ate, slept Jesus. But I can’t find her… she seems to have died with all the problems of the past.  I want to believe so badly that the pastor out here and his wife won’t be like[them] but I am petrified they will.

~

Holding your days like a stack of paper
Then you’re chasing the wind as the pages scatter
You can save a few but you can’t get ‘em all back
So get out fast with your heart in tact

~

I need to redeem the day, I need to redeem the time… I try to drown out the noise in my head with laughter and good conversations and just all it does is fragment me more… Why weren’t You there when I needed You most?!?! Why did You let them be that way and do those things?  Why didn’t You stop them from cutting me so deep I’m not sure how it’ll ever heal… if I’ll ever truly find my way back… I am constantly afraid that these new people will suddenly turn on me as well. They seem so genuine but so had the others for so long until my eyes were opened.

~

Find yourself on the very edge
Lying awake in an empty bed
Now you’re breathin’ just to make it thru the night

~

My friend in Korea talked to me and I had thought I had told her about everything but I guess not. I hate people thinking there could ever be anything wrong and I try to keep up the pretenses but in writing I let this side of me that aches so badly show, it’s like an ugly, hidden ulcer. I want to believe I can trust Him, but then why had all that happened? Will I ever fully recover from this past Spring and all the aches it brought me? I really do think I’ve finally learned to deal with Toshi committing suicide… finally… but now this other ache that I’ve hidden away as well for so long is begging for attention and I’m just not sure I have it in me to pass my classes and finally stitch this up.

To be abandoned by certain people; to have them in essence say you were less than nothing because instead of asking to do something reasonable (visiting people to say goodbye since you were moving away) you sent an email saying you’d be doing that and thus were found rebellious… I want to believe I am worth the cost of His life, I want to believe that He cares, but when those who should have stood in my life as such found I wasn’t even worthy of the time to tell me I’m worthless but sent their minions to do such… it would be so easy to walk away, to give up.

I had a conversation with a friend about beliefs and dating etc. and he’s right in a way, it’s my choice to be limiting myself to just guys who align with my rather strict beliefs, that I’m in essence making my already rather small pool smaller. Probably to just me. Alone. By myself.

But then when I think of how sweet it could be to have a man that I could pray with in the mornings, have daily Bible readings, and would push me to pray more, fast more, seek Him more and that unadulterated adoration for the One who made me… **sigh** I need to find my way back into the sun; to the brightness… but here at 04:11 the sunrise seems too far away and even when I eventually sleep and awaken, I have a sinking feeling that I still won’t be leaving the darkness behind…

learning to chase rainbows again…

I went home to NH for the weekend and it couldn’t have been more cathartic.  This semester so far with all its stress seems to have found its way in trying to pull from me all the gunk that I’ve tried to bury.  When you build up a wall to hide those things that have hurt to you most, things can come flooding out when life’s burdens chip away at it.  I inadvertently saw Toshi’s picture this weekend and I found I wasn’t upset.  While driving home to NH I finally ended up telling my mom about the guilt I felt over not having been a better cousin to him and she pointed out that it wasn’t my fault (like others have in the past) and reminded me of the reasons why I hadn’t been very close with him.  Besides the fact that he lived half a world away (literally), there were just personality traits that completely clashed with mine.  I don’t like speaking ill of the dead so I won’t, but it was cathartic to know that my mom, who knew my cousin, didn’t think that I could have done anything to stop him from what he did.  Last time we hung out was in 2007 and we stayed up late playing cards- he, his little brother, and I.  I remember the three of us laughing at each other’s antics as our parents caught up and I think I’m going to make myself learn to think of the good times should I look to grieve over him again.

Now is for the living.

Toshi, I wish you could have learned to embrace life, but I know now that there was nothing I could have done to stop you.  I can, however, look to always encourage my friends and be there for anyone I meet- even if they are a stranger.  There are no take backs with death and I’m starting to see now that this crazy past spring in which 5 people within 2 connections of me all died in 6 weeks.  Those weeks were a rollercoaster- between attending 2 funerals, not knowing fully how to grieve over my cousin’s suicide, and feeling inadequate at supporting my friends, I also learned that I made it into medical school.  But, half a year later, I think I’m finally starting to learn how to sift through all those raw emotions of the time that I just shoved behind a wall and only looked at when I was close to breaking.  I really did need this weekend.  To be a good physician, I will need to learn how to help my patients’ families cope should they die because we cannot always cheat death.

A good doctor isn’t one who keeps every patient alive; a good doctor is one who can skillfully help many of his or her patients live longer on this earth while also skillfully consoling the family and friends of who have died. Meaning that your care and concern for the patient is conveyed.  Meaning that your patient’s spouse, children, or any other friends and family know that you cared and you tried as if they were your own.  It is my belief that a good doctor knows how to embrace death- not in a “I want to kill myself” way, but in a “death is inevitable and sometimes, the ultimate healing- no more sorrow, no more pain…”

Toshi- I want to believe you are in heaven, but I just don’t know… all I do know is that since you decided to leave we have been grieving and your little brother is hurting, and your american cousin was hurting, and your parents feel your loss every day- but it’s time for those who are left to pick up the pieces and move forward.  It’s time to feel that sun on our faces again, it’s time to wiggle our toes on a freshly cut lawn and chase rainbows.  May you rest in peace my little cousin.

Psalms 30:5

…weeping may endure the night but joy cometh in the morning.

I can’t sleep.  I’ve taken to having hulu.com running some sort of show or whatever in the background to lull me to sleep and as I was about to drift off it came to the end of the season premiere of House in which the roommate goes to the doctor and asks for his medication saying he wants to get better.  For whatever reason it made me break down.  I have been locking away so much and I let it out some times but then clamp it all right back up and as it builds it destroys me more.  I long so badly to be home just so that I can get a hug.  I miss my family so badly and everything that happened this past spring still eats away at me. I want to be better.

Curled up in fetal position on my bed sobbing, I begged God to help me. No other words could escape my lips. After all this time just thinking of all those who decided to abandon my family and I haunt me.  Friendships going back to when I was in middle school severed because one couple decided that my family was evil.  How can they do that? How could they spread those lies and work so hard to cut us down?

Maybe it’s all this pressure I’m under. I want to do well in medical school but I feel like the odds are stacked against me.  What hospital wants to take me with my scores? Yes, I’m passing but not with flying colors.  Perhaps, however, it was mentioning in passing on Monday to my friends about the last time I had Brie.  It was with one of my best friends after I had been told by a group that instead of using me to help them out, they preferred no one.  No one.  I was worse than nothing to them.  And why? Because I had wanted to say goodbye to people before I left the New England area for medical school. After all I had done and sacrificed, because they felt I was rebellious (and I wasn’t even doing what they found so horrid underhandedly, I told them openly) they decided that I was worth less than nothing.  It still rips at me.

Pain washes through me and then another, older pain, hits me again like a brick wall: Toshi committing suicide.  Why? WHY little cousin?  Just thinking of him makes me feel neglectful.  I should have been a better friend to him, I should have made him feel more loved in this world.  Yes, I know that Japan is pretty far away from NH but I just can’t help but think if I tried harder, maybe he wouldn’t have done what he did.  But he was so stubborn and proud! It sincerely irked me that he refused to acknowledge his Chinese heritage, instead stating that he was through and through Japanese.  How can you deny who you are?  He had asked me to make him a CD of music and did I? No, I too am stubborn and a bit proud and I hate that.  I hate that I never made him that one CD.  Such a small request.

As med school rolls on and I feel myself buckling under the pressure of it all I desperately try to hold on with all I have but the pain and memories of the past cut at me, they will not let me go.  Why would someone cut contact with me because of what others had said without even speaking to me? Without ever trying to find out if it was true? You were a mentor and a friend, and yet you turned your back on me. You who were supposed to show me the way, instead you berated me behind my back, spreading lies and rumors while telling me you loved me and hoped and prayed for me. You who I had recommended and encouraged, how could you betray me as you did?

I feel so worthless and the darkness prevents me from trying to jog this all out.  I desperately need an outlet and this is all I have.  I doubt anyone will hear me though, I doubt anyone cares… will there be joy in the morning? all I know for sure is that in less than 5 hours there will be a quiz and I need the Comforter to find me, even though I make it hard at times for Him to do so, I need Him to just wrap me up in His arms of comfort for I don’t know how to reach out to anyone else for that besides tried and true friends who are all over 500 miles away.

Song of the Day: Let it Out by Pillar

Let it out, can You hear me?
Can You hear me cry?
Let it out, don’t hold back, all this I got inside
Let it out, can You hear me?
Can You hear me cry?
Let it out, don’t hold back now
We’ve got to let it out

——————————————————–

I’ve certainly missed blogging and having an outlet for my feelings besides jogging and cooking lately.  Although my old posts had been about commuting via the MBTA from NH into Boston, I’ve since started medical school in western PA and am now redirecting where I’m taking this blog.

I find myself constantly being stopped by fear and trepidation about the future.  To fail out of medical school would not only be humiliating, but the crushing of my dreams; yet I feel soooooo lost in this sea of information.  Where to start the digestion of it all and how to finally learn to incorporate it clearly?  I’m not sure how I’m going to survive… it is by the grace of God alone that I’m so far still within the range of passing but I wish I could finally learn to push past this barrier and kick it up that extra notch that I know I need to do…

All my life I’ve dreamed of helping others through learning why things go wrong in the body and if there is anything to do about it but death is such a nasty foe.  One cannot win in the long run and so we as physicians must learn to embrace death. I, however, am not ready to hug it to me and let it do as it will…

…Toshi still tears at me from time to time.  Little cousin, why did you take your own life? What posessed you to give up on this world of wonder?  There are SO many things wrong with this world, I understand, but yet so much beauty. Sounds a bit cliche but it’s true.  I so enjoy the little things: a jog along an urban road, the pavement coming to meet me, the sun on my back, the wind giving me a bit of relief; childrens’ smiles; squirrels foraging for the winter; geese with their baby chicks in the spring time.  In the country of jade rivers, how could he have decided to take his life? Toshi… all these months later I hope you know that you are still not forgotten.  You are still missed.  Little cousin, I wish you had reached out to someone.

To those of you who may feel that life is no longer worth living I say this to you now: there is a God that loves you. There is a God that died for you. He created you in all your beauty (whether you see it or not) and He handcrafted you.  You are unique and one of a kind. Also know that although you may not realize it, you may be loved more than you know, but sometimes we think “oh when I have more time, when I have more money, I can make that trip to Japan to see my extended family”… when you feel unloved know that not only do you most likely have someone that loves you out there in this world, you have a God that loves you beyond words, beyond all comprehension.

We All Long

We all long for glamour ~ Linda Lee

Due to some life changes, I am currently no longer taking the subway but I can’t help but always think of blogging (which, clearly I never get to).  Life has a way of dipping and curving in ways we never expect.  I feel trapped sometimes by my lack of ability to do such simple tasks as parallel parking.  Coming from a town in which there were no parallel parking spaces and thus was never tested for it, it’s actually REALLY annoying to have people look down on you because you can’t parallel park.  I’d much rather they say “that’s too bad, why don’t you let me teach you some time?” versus mocking me or making me feel inadaquit. I digress. One of my friends recently found her current beau while riding on the subway and I can’t help but want to write along those lines. 

We all long for something more.  It’s the core of our exsistence.  Why are we here?  Do we have a purpose?  It’s the thing that drives us to do more, reach farther, and become a better person.  It seems though, that every person views it a different way (as per par for we humans).  Those such as Ms. Lee long to be seen by many.  I myself sometimes long to be seen by just one.  

 At this point in my life I’m not even sure who that is; I just know whomever it is that God wants me to end up with, I wish He’d reveal him NOW.  Recently, I have been telling people that all I want is some guy to cook with and chat about whatever with over dunkin donuts/starbucks. I personally (occassionnally when the mood strikes me) long for that crazy connection you can get with another human being in which you feel “you get me and I feel like I could get used to learning all the interesting and different bits of you that there is.”  

“Human speech is like a cracked kettle on which we tap crude rhythms for bears to dance to, while we long to make music that will melt the stars.” 
— Gustave Flaubert

I once wrote for one of the drafts of my Sr. Thesis Project that I am the sum of many bits of me.  There’s the church side, the work side, the school side, and then there are the parts that people have never seen: parts of childhood scars, my personal demons, the part that loves to play piano by myself late at night in the quiet of the evening, and more.  I remember I had once, almost, been willing to start that process with someone.  The pain when it all fell through stayed with me for years.  It wasn’t so much the loss of him, it was the loss of the possibility.  He was this VERY hansome, kind, Godly, talented guy and I was just a young high school sr. trying to find her way in the world.  In the end I found out that even without ever going on a date or even meeting up face-to-face (due to living 3 hrs away we never met up while we were “talking”— this was NOT an online connection), one could put your heart on the line more than you thought you would.  

And so it makes me wonder… how does one know who’s the right one?  Can we truly just look to “make eyes” at the cutie to the right of us on the subway and eventually hope to find love?  My friend had been eyeing her current man for a week or two prior to actually speaking to him and I just couldn’t see myself EVER doing something like that. It seems that I’m only best at connecting with males once I know that they and I could never, ever be.  That way I feel safe.  Such a paradox (!!), but I think it’s because if we could never be then there’s no danger of rejection.  Friendship rejections I can take but romantic rejections cut deep and I’ve never really let anyone have that ability to hurt me- just a handful and all but one never knew they had that power… and apparenlty even he didn’t realize it at the time (this I know because we reconnected on Valentines Day last year— yes, very strange timing— and it also still fell through, sometimes if you’re just not right for each other, you’re just not right for each other).

What is the gospel according to Jesus? Simply this: that the love we all long for in our innermost heart is already present, beyond longing. ~Stephen Mitchell

In the end it boils to this: Jesus is all I need.  It’s hard to remember at times and when I hear of friends randomly finding a man they’re willing to share themselves with by just riding on the T, I can’t help but wish I could make a connection too.  My heart wishes that someone would see that treasure in me, see the mire of dirt and ugliness that is me, and yet still love me.  And then I remember: He already does.  Jesus died for me and loves me and found me worth the price of His life- regardless of my faults.  I am willing to have that connection with someone one day, but until God gives the greenlight, I am learning to be content waiting. 

MUUUAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

It’s Kiss-An-Asian Day so if you see one on your travels today- feel free to blow them a kiss– and who knows?  Maybe the one you blow a kiss to will be me