Sunrise by Brandon Heath

You wanna sound off but you can’t find the words to
Nothin’ makes sense in the way that it used to
Can’t find the plus in the positive thinking
The well’s run dry and you’re not done drinking

~

I find myself about 4hrs away from the start of class again, unable to sleep. The day had slipped away from me and one that I had planned to use for cleaning around the house turned into one of sleeping most of the afternoon away and studying/chatting through the night- a more attractive task than the dishes.  Sometimes I wonder if maybe I’m actually depressed and just don’t realize it.  Will there ever be anything else that can reach far down inside a bring me true happiness again?  What happened to the little girl who lived and breathed Jesus? Happy was she, confident in the love of the Savior for her.

~

Clouds start comin’ and the sky will fall
Clock stares back from the bedroom wall
Now you’re breathin’ just to make it through the night

~

03:47- the time laughs at me, letting me know I will regret this when I have to interact with my classmates to work on the new case we’re starting in the morning… and the fact that sending in my question didn’t hit me until 1AM today… meaning I’ll need to print out copies to make sure they’ll have it regardless of my mess up… oiy

~

All you need is a sunrise
Just a moment of dawn
If you’re lost in the twilight
Close your eyes and move on
When you’re tired in the waiting
Even though it’s gonna take you
A little more time
Just a little more time the sun’s gonna find you

~

I want to believe that the sunrise will bring happiness again, like last time, but I’m just not sure… any happiness has felt temporary lately and even the trip home, although nice, didn’t seem to fully reach to the darkness within.  I so long to be who I once was again. I so long to be that girl who lived, breathed, ate, slept Jesus. But I can’t find her… she seems to have died with all the problems of the past.  I want to believe so badly that the pastor out here and his wife won’t be like[them] but I am petrified they will.

~

Holding your days like a stack of paper
Then you’re chasing the wind as the pages scatter
You can save a few but you can’t get ‘em all back
So get out fast with your heart in tact

~

I need to redeem the day, I need to redeem the time… I try to drown out the noise in my head with laughter and good conversations and just all it does is fragment me more… Why weren’t You there when I needed You most?!?! Why did You let them be that way and do those things?  Why didn’t You stop them from cutting me so deep I’m not sure how it’ll ever heal… if I’ll ever truly find my way back… I am constantly afraid that these new people will suddenly turn on me as well. They seem so genuine but so had the others for so long until my eyes were opened.

~

Find yourself on the very edge
Lying awake in an empty bed
Now you’re breathin’ just to make it thru the night

~

My friend in Korea talked to me and I had thought I had told her about everything but I guess not. I hate people thinking there could ever be anything wrong and I try to keep up the pretenses but in writing I let this side of me that aches so badly show, it’s like an ugly, hidden ulcer. I want to believe I can trust Him, but then why had all that happened? Will I ever fully recover from this past Spring and all the aches it brought me? I really do think I’ve finally learned to deal with Toshi committing suicide… finally… but now this other ache that I’ve hidden away as well for so long is begging for attention and I’m just not sure I have it in me to pass my classes and finally stitch this up.

To be abandoned by certain people; to have them in essence say you were less than nothing because instead of asking to do something reasonable (visiting people to say goodbye since you were moving away) you sent an email saying you’d be doing that and thus were found rebellious… I want to believe I am worth the cost of His life, I want to believe that He cares, but when those who should have stood in my life as such found I wasn’t even worthy of the time to tell me I’m worthless but sent their minions to do such… it would be so easy to walk away, to give up.

I had a conversation with a friend about beliefs and dating etc. and he’s right in a way, it’s my choice to be limiting myself to just guys who align with my rather strict beliefs, that I’m in essence making my already rather small pool smaller. Probably to just me. Alone. By myself.

But then when I think of how sweet it could be to have a man that I could pray with in the mornings, have daily Bible readings, and would push me to pray more, fast more, seek Him more and that unadulterated adoration for the One who made me… **sigh** I need to find my way back into the sun; to the brightness… but here at 04:11 the sunrise seems too far away and even when I eventually sleep and awaken, I have a sinking feeling that I still won’t be leaving the darkness behind…

learning to chase rainbows again…

I went home to NH for the weekend and it couldn’t have been more cathartic.  This semester so far with all its stress seems to have found its way in trying to pull from me all the gunk that I’ve tried to bury.  When you build up a wall to hide those things that have hurt to you most, things can come flooding out when life’s burdens chip away at it.  I inadvertently saw Toshi’s picture this weekend and I found I wasn’t upset.  While driving home to NH I finally ended up telling my mom about the guilt I felt over not having been a better cousin to him and she pointed out that it wasn’t my fault (like others have in the past) and reminded me of the reasons why I hadn’t been very close with him.  Besides the fact that he lived half a world away (literally), there were just personality traits that completely clashed with mine.  I don’t like speaking ill of the dead so I won’t, but it was cathartic to know that my mom, who knew my cousin, didn’t think that I could have done anything to stop him from what he did.  Last time we hung out was in 2007 and we stayed up late playing cards- he, his little brother, and I.  I remember the three of us laughing at each other’s antics as our parents caught up and I think I’m going to make myself learn to think of the good times should I look to grieve over him again.

Now is for the living.

Toshi, I wish you could have learned to embrace life, but I know now that there was nothing I could have done to stop you.  I can, however, look to always encourage my friends and be there for anyone I meet- even if they are a stranger.  There are no take backs with death and I’m starting to see now that this crazy past spring in which 5 people within 2 connections of me all died in 6 weeks.  Those weeks were a rollercoaster- between attending 2 funerals, not knowing fully how to grieve over my cousin’s suicide, and feeling inadequate at supporting my friends, I also learned that I made it into medical school.  But, half a year later, I think I’m finally starting to learn how to sift through all those raw emotions of the time that I just shoved behind a wall and only looked at when I was close to breaking.  I really did need this weekend.  To be a good physician, I will need to learn how to help my patients’ families cope should they die because we cannot always cheat death.

A good doctor isn’t one who keeps every patient alive; a good doctor is one who can skillfully help many of his or her patients live longer on this earth while also skillfully consoling the family and friends of who have died. Meaning that your care and concern for the patient is conveyed.  Meaning that your patient’s spouse, children, or any other friends and family know that you cared and you tried as if they were your own.  It is my belief that a good doctor knows how to embrace death- not in a “I want to kill myself” way, but in a “death is inevitable and sometimes, the ultimate healing- no more sorrow, no more pain…”

Toshi- I want to believe you are in heaven, but I just don’t know… all I do know is that since you decided to leave we have been grieving and your little brother is hurting, and your american cousin was hurting, and your parents feel your loss every day- but it’s time for those who are left to pick up the pieces and move forward.  It’s time to feel that sun on our faces again, it’s time to wiggle our toes on a freshly cut lawn and chase rainbows.  May you rest in peace my little cousin.

Psalms 30:5

…weeping may endure the night but joy cometh in the morning.

I can’t sleep.  I’ve taken to having hulu.com running some sort of show or whatever in the background to lull me to sleep and as I was about to drift off it came to the end of the season premiere of House in which the roommate goes to the doctor and asks for his medication saying he wants to get better.  For whatever reason it made me break down.  I have been locking away so much and I let it out some times but then clamp it all right back up and as it builds it destroys me more.  I long so badly to be home just so that I can get a hug.  I miss my family so badly and everything that happened this past spring still eats away at me. I want to be better.

Curled up in fetal position on my bed sobbing, I begged God to help me. No other words could escape my lips. After all this time just thinking of all those who decided to abandon my family and I haunt me.  Friendships going back to when I was in middle school severed because one couple decided that my family was evil.  How can they do that? How could they spread those lies and work so hard to cut us down?

Maybe it’s all this pressure I’m under. I want to do well in medical school but I feel like the odds are stacked against me.  What hospital wants to take me with my scores? Yes, I’m passing but not with flying colors.  Perhaps, however, it was mentioning in passing on Monday to my friends about the last time I had Brie.  It was with one of my best friends after I had been told by a group that instead of using me to help them out, they preferred no one.  No one.  I was worse than nothing to them.  And why? Because I had wanted to say goodbye to people before I left the New England area for medical school. After all I had done and sacrificed, because they felt I was rebellious (and I wasn’t even doing what they found so horrid underhandedly, I told them openly) they decided that I was worth less than nothing.  It still rips at me.

Pain washes through me and then another, older pain, hits me again like a brick wall: Toshi committing suicide.  Why? WHY little cousin?  Just thinking of him makes me feel neglectful.  I should have been a better friend to him, I should have made him feel more loved in this world.  Yes, I know that Japan is pretty far away from NH but I just can’t help but think if I tried harder, maybe he wouldn’t have done what he did.  But he was so stubborn and proud! It sincerely irked me that he refused to acknowledge his Chinese heritage, instead stating that he was through and through Japanese.  How can you deny who you are?  He had asked me to make him a CD of music and did I? No, I too am stubborn and a bit proud and I hate that.  I hate that I never made him that one CD.  Such a small request.

As med school rolls on and I feel myself buckling under the pressure of it all I desperately try to hold on with all I have but the pain and memories of the past cut at me, they will not let me go.  Why would someone cut contact with me because of what others had said without even speaking to me? Without ever trying to find out if it was true? You were a mentor and a friend, and yet you turned your back on me. You who were supposed to show me the way, instead you berated me behind my back, spreading lies and rumors while telling me you loved me and hoped and prayed for me. You who I had recommended and encouraged, how could you betray me as you did?

I feel so worthless and the darkness prevents me from trying to jog this all out.  I desperately need an outlet and this is all I have.  I doubt anyone will hear me though, I doubt anyone cares… will there be joy in the morning? all I know for sure is that in less than 5 hours there will be a quiz and I need the Comforter to find me, even though I make it hard at times for Him to do so, I need Him to just wrap me up in His arms of comfort for I don’t know how to reach out to anyone else for that besides tried and true friends who are all over 500 miles away.

Song of the Day: Let it Out by Pillar

Let it out, can You hear me?
Can You hear me cry?
Let it out, don’t hold back, all this I got inside
Let it out, can You hear me?
Can You hear me cry?
Let it out, don’t hold back now
We’ve got to let it out

——————————————————–

I’ve certainly missed blogging and having an outlet for my feelings besides jogging and cooking lately.  Although my old posts had been about commuting via the MBTA from NH into Boston, I’ve since started medical school in western PA and am now redirecting where I’m taking this blog.

I find myself constantly being stopped by fear and trepidation about the future.  To fail out of medical school would not only be humiliating, but the crushing of my dreams; yet I feel soooooo lost in this sea of information.  Where to start the digestion of it all and how to finally learn to incorporate it clearly?  I’m not sure how I’m going to survive… it is by the grace of God alone that I’m so far still within the range of passing but I wish I could finally learn to push past this barrier and kick it up that extra notch that I know I need to do…

All my life I’ve dreamed of helping others through learning why things go wrong in the body and if there is anything to do about it but death is such a nasty foe.  One cannot win in the long run and so we as physicians must learn to embrace death. I, however, am not ready to hug it to me and let it do as it will…

…Toshi still tears at me from time to time.  Little cousin, why did you take your own life? What posessed you to give up on this world of wonder?  There are SO many things wrong with this world, I understand, but yet so much beauty. Sounds a bit cliche but it’s true.  I so enjoy the little things: a jog along an urban road, the pavement coming to meet me, the sun on my back, the wind giving me a bit of relief; childrens’ smiles; squirrels foraging for the winter; geese with their baby chicks in the spring time.  In the country of jade rivers, how could he have decided to take his life? Toshi… all these months later I hope you know that you are still not forgotten.  You are still missed.  Little cousin, I wish you had reached out to someone.

To those of you who may feel that life is no longer worth living I say this to you now: there is a God that loves you. There is a God that died for you. He created you in all your beauty (whether you see it or not) and He handcrafted you.  You are unique and one of a kind. Also know that although you may not realize it, you may be loved more than you know, but sometimes we think “oh when I have more time, when I have more money, I can make that trip to Japan to see my extended family”… when you feel unloved know that not only do you most likely have someone that loves you out there in this world, you have a God that loves you beyond words, beyond all comprehension.

We All Long

We all long for glamour ~ Linda Lee

Due to some life changes, I am currently no longer taking the subway but I can’t help but always think of blogging (which, clearly I never get to).  Life has a way of dipping and curving in ways we never expect.  I feel trapped sometimes by my lack of ability to do such simple tasks as parallel parking.  Coming from a town in which there were no parallel parking spaces and thus was never tested for it, it’s actually REALLY annoying to have people look down on you because you can’t parallel park.  I’d much rather they say “that’s too bad, why don’t you let me teach you some time?” versus mocking me or making me feel inadaquit. I digress. One of my friends recently found her current beau while riding on the subway and I can’t help but want to write along those lines. 

We all long for something more.  It’s the core of our exsistence.  Why are we here?  Do we have a purpose?  It’s the thing that drives us to do more, reach farther, and become a better person.  It seems though, that every person views it a different way (as per par for we humans).  Those such as Ms. Lee long to be seen by many.  I myself sometimes long to be seen by just one.  

 At this point in my life I’m not even sure who that is; I just know whomever it is that God wants me to end up with, I wish He’d reveal him NOW.  Recently, I have been telling people that all I want is some guy to cook with and chat about whatever with over dunkin donuts/starbucks. I personally (occassionnally when the mood strikes me) long for that crazy connection you can get with another human being in which you feel “you get me and I feel like I could get used to learning all the interesting and different bits of you that there is.”  

“Human speech is like a cracked kettle on which we tap crude rhythms for bears to dance to, while we long to make music that will melt the stars.” 
— Gustave Flaubert

I once wrote for one of the drafts of my Sr. Thesis Project that I am the sum of many bits of me.  There’s the church side, the work side, the school side, and then there are the parts that people have never seen: parts of childhood scars, my personal demons, the part that loves to play piano by myself late at night in the quiet of the evening, and more.  I remember I had once, almost, been willing to start that process with someone.  The pain when it all fell through stayed with me for years.  It wasn’t so much the loss of him, it was the loss of the possibility.  He was this VERY hansome, kind, Godly, talented guy and I was just a young high school sr. trying to find her way in the world.  In the end I found out that even without ever going on a date or even meeting up face-to-face (due to living 3 hrs away we never met up while we were “talking”— this was NOT an online connection), one could put your heart on the line more than you thought you would.  

And so it makes me wonder… how does one know who’s the right one?  Can we truly just look to “make eyes” at the cutie to the right of us on the subway and eventually hope to find love?  My friend had been eyeing her current man for a week or two prior to actually speaking to him and I just couldn’t see myself EVER doing something like that. It seems that I’m only best at connecting with males once I know that they and I could never, ever be.  That way I feel safe.  Such a paradox (!!), but I think it’s because if we could never be then there’s no danger of rejection.  Friendship rejections I can take but romantic rejections cut deep and I’ve never really let anyone have that ability to hurt me- just a handful and all but one never knew they had that power… and apparenlty even he didn’t realize it at the time (this I know because we reconnected on Valentines Day last year— yes, very strange timing— and it also still fell through, sometimes if you’re just not right for each other, you’re just not right for each other).

What is the gospel according to Jesus? Simply this: that the love we all long for in our innermost heart is already present, beyond longing. ~Stephen Mitchell

In the end it boils to this: Jesus is all I need.  It’s hard to remember at times and when I hear of friends randomly finding a man they’re willing to share themselves with by just riding on the T, I can’t help but wish I could make a connection too.  My heart wishes that someone would see that treasure in me, see the mire of dirt and ugliness that is me, and yet still love me.  And then I remember: He already does.  Jesus died for me and loves me and found me worth the price of His life- regardless of my faults.  I am willing to have that connection with someone one day, but until God gives the greenlight, I am learning to be content waiting. 

MUUUAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

It’s Kiss-An-Asian Day so if you see one on your travels today- feel free to blow them a kiss– and who knows?  Maybe the one you blow a kiss to will be me

Friends

You’ve got a friend in me.
You’ve got a friend in me.
If you’ve got troubles, and I got ‘em too.
There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you.
If we stick together we can see it through,
Cause you got a friend in me.
Yeah, you got a friend in me.
~Randy Newman, Theme from Toy Story

As I was on the subway today I saw a guy get on who, from the corner of my eye, I judged to probably be a thug or someone equally into being macho ‘cuase all I saw was a leather jacket and someone who seemed jacked (again, let us note this is using my peripheral vision lol).  Upon further inspection, however, he turned out to be rather very good looking and well dressed with a nice button down, black slacks, and nice (SHINY as in well kept!) shoes.  And so I did my usual observing from looking in the window and seeing his reflection- however- he was sitting diagonally across from me so the window only proved to show me his head.  Oh well.   I gave up and watched as people came and went on the subway until a few stops later when Mr. Not-A-Thug got up and walked over to another guy who I had seen (via reflection in the window) on the other side of the subway car (who was also rather good looking).  Surprisingly- they were friends!  (not that they were friends but it always amazes me that people meet their friends on the subway considering just what those odds are when you consider they subway comes every 5 minutes during heavy volume hours and how many cars each subway train has) 

I observed the interaction between the two musing about having a friend along on the ride and how tomorrow I myself would have a friend along with me since this weekend is my birthday weekend.  It’s interesting how oftentimes I find myself either bored on the subway, absorbed in reading, chatting with a co-worker who was going in my direction, observing others, or many times passed out from exhaustion since I get an average of 5 hours of sleep every weeknight (hense the lack of regular posts).  How many others deal with the humdrum of communting?  How many others deal with this monotony that I sometimes wish I could escape?

An Ode to Mothers

“Being a full-time mother is one of the highest salaried jobs in my field, since the payment is pure love.  ~Mildred B. Vermont”

So as I was on the subway today I saw a woman with her child.  The little girl was absolutely adorable and the mother looked rather young to have a toddler (probably early 20’s).   You could see that she was a good mother and that she really cared for her child.  The little girl, in turn showed signs of coming from a loving family with all the curiosity and rambunctiousness that toddlers from a secure environment have.  Climbing all over the seats, she eventually asked her mother for a hug.  It was so endearing to see such genuine affection between a mother and child. 

Sweater, n.:  garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.  ~Ambrose Bierce

It made me start to think on the whole concept of who we are.  I realized that this child will probably grow up to be very physically affectionate, like myself.  Stemming from the comments others have made to me in the past of what they deemed my overly (and therefore overtly flirty) affectionate personality, I wondered how the norms for this child will change once she meets more in this world of ours.  For now her mother is her world.  It was evident in the easy affection and connection between the two.  It was evident by seeing their pattern of “play.”  The little girl laid on her belly across a seat and the mother playfully tapped her bottom as if playing a drum.  To them, this was a normal action but to others, they may have thought what a strange thing to do with their child! 

Thou art thy mother’s glass, and she in thee
Calls back the lovely April of her prime.
~William Shakespeare

As time goes on I realize more how much our family shapes us.  It makes me wonder at the whole concept of love and marriage too because in a way- when you marry someone you meld all your “norms” with their “norms.”  They may not understand though, why you do things the way you do.  They may not comprehend at first that it’s due to your upbringing that you always do it x way.  In a way we daughters are our mothers just in younger form.  They form us, show us what is normal and acceptable, and send us out into the world.  Clearly there is a melding with the “father’s norms” but it is the mothers who normally spend the most time with the child.

What we do for love. . .

My mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you haven’t met yet.  She’s now in a maximum security twilight home in Australia.” ~Dame Edna Everage

As I sat on the train the woman sitting next to me began to mumble to herself. I looked around, wondering if anyone else found this odd and realized, like Charley, no one wanted to act as if they noticed. She kept up her mumbling and then took a sudden interest in my reading: articles on Osteoarthritis. She starts asking me about it and, not wanting to be rude, I answer her back. This seemed to encourage her and I found myself with an unlikely traveling companion who quickly realized I could speak Mandarin on a semi-fluent level.

“Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage.”  ~Ambrose Bierce

She told me about how she had been happy down south when a man promised her a Greencard if she’d move up this way. She, thinking this ment marriage, gladly quit her job and soon found herself working for about $300 a week hoping her next job would provide free housing so she could at least save up a bit of money. This man who promised her a bright future was her boyfriend and refused to marry her and instead suggested she find a job that would support her in her effort for a greencard.

“My advice to you is not to inquire why or whither, but just enjoy your ice cream while it’s on your plate — that’s my philosophy.”  Thornton Wilder, The Skin of Our Teeth (1942)

So where she had once been happy and semi-successful here she was now close to broke and worried about being deported. I wonder what I would give up for the promise of love and security. It seems to me like I have already found that in God but then again, sometimes it is SO HARD to be assured of Him and His role in my life. It’s hard to feel He’s tangible sometimes. It’s hard not to question Him. It’s hard not to question His exsistance. I have to believe His promises are not empty. I have to believe He is real and loves me. I have seen too many wonderful things. I have felt Him so strongly in my prayers in the past. I have witnessed too much for Him not to be real. He has used me too much for Him not to be real. How can one deny His exsistance when He has used you to rely a message to someone and they say “That is EXACTLY what I have been praying about ALL WEEK!!!” You cannot deny Him after that point.

And yet… it makes me wonder about what I was teaching the kids on Sunday… what are we willing to give up Heaven for? What are we willing to sacrifice our relationship with God for? There should be NOTHING in this world that we would be willing to sell out for. There should be NO ONE who can take the place of God in our hearts… and yet… sometimes I wonder if we do just that. The cares of this life pull so hard and tie me down. I feel I am drowning in the weight of all that needs to be done.

Dance Your Dance Princess

“We dance for laughter, we dance for tears, we dance for madness, we dance for fears, we dance for hopes, we dance for screams, we are the dancers, we create the dreams.” ~ Anonymous

As I was waiting for the subway one day a woman was dancing all by herself in the corner.  She had earphones on so clearly she wasn’t crazy but like Charley- she was breaking out of the mold of “normal” subway behavior.  She had on a black baseball cap and black, shiny jacket, and it was clear she  had to at least be in her late 50’s or older.  When the train finally pulled up she continued to dance her way to a seat.  Once in the seat she “wooted” and the young men also in our part of the subway car started cracking up noting how awesome she was.  

“A person needs a little madness, or else they never dare cut the rope and be free.”              ~Nikos Kazantzakis

It’s interesting- break out of the mold and people will perceive you one of two ways: crazy or awesome.  In this case since she showed understanding that she was purposely stepping out of the mold (she acknowledged the looks by wooting towards the guys, doing a little dance in her seat, and looking at the guys and telling them “I’m Princess”) they all felt she was cool.  

Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name,
and they’re always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can see,
our troubles are all the same
You wanna be where everybody knows
Your name.  ~Cheers Theme Song

I couldn’t help but observe her during the ride and was amazed that more than one person knew her on the ride in.  The more I observed the more I realized she was most likely going to class at a college and those who knew her were most likely classmates also on the same mission of attending class.  However, of those that greeted her some did actually get off at other stops.  I wondered at the fact that if it were sheer coincidence that they were meeting up on the subway either she knew a LOT of people or else she had met them on her commute home prior to this day.  I have NEVER met anyone that I knew- granted I live pretty far outside the city of Boston but still- as I observe people on the T no one else has ever had that many people greet them.  

It’s been weeks since that day but I can still see her, at her end of the T platform listening to her music dancing her heart out.  I wonder if I’ll ever learn to break out of the mold or if I’ll continue on in the basic T rider mold: book/newspaper, earphones, and bored look.